I feel depressed. Perhaps it's in response to the adernaline day yesterday, I don't know. But today I feel like the world just sucks. I try to list the good things I have and realize there's only 6 that make me smile. 1. My guy, 2. My car. 3. My brother 4. My sister 5. My best friend Cece, 6. My awesome chica Bonnie.
But even all of that seems trivial for some reason. Like it's not enough to pick me up, or make me try to pick myself up I guess I should say.
I feel like I'm falling.
Perhaps it's been being stuck in side all day playing video games with my guy because there's nothing else to do.
What is there to do when you don't drink, do drugs or party?
What are you to do when everyone else is out drinking, doing drugs and partying? The simple fact that you don't do that seems to alienate you from everything to the point you almost wish you did all the above, and that you worry that perhaps your guy who use to do that misses it. Though on his own without prompting he told you that he realized that's not his world anymore, that he doesn't enjoy even being around it anymore. Which you're glad, because that means he doesn't regret his choice, but it saddens you as well because you feel as if you took away his friends. I mean it doesn't have to be that way, but if he doesn't want to hangout with them while they're drinking and doing drugs because he doesn't and feel out of place while they're drinking and doing drugs, and they don't want to hangout if he's not doing that, it leaves quite a delimma. And though he's better without such friends one could argue, it's still a part of his past that is gone, with no current replacement to fill the void.
I just feel like crying.
I need an adventure,
more adrenaline,
more risk,
more excitement,
a new challenge.
But I have so many constants to balance it out with. I have structure in my life where before I had none, so now I must take precautions.
I can't do anything to jepordize those constants.
I can't destroy something just to destroy it, or be wild just to be wild.
I have a family I can't lose, and I guy I can't let down.
Because I love them.
I no longer drive intense like I use to for fear of crashing and losing my guy, he doesn't want me to drive at night without him so that he knows I'm home safe away from drunk drivers, which I love that he cares that much, but... I miss the strip and the reving engines and the adrenaline.
Perhaps I'm just a cautious adrenaline junkie, something that clashes too much. But go figure, I'm a contradiction in all other aspects of my life, no surprise I am there as well.
I want to destroy something but can't because all my friends are important nowadays. There are no people I can just throw away.
Is this growing up?
I don't know.
I just want to lay down next to my guy with his arms around me and fall asleep. But I can't, because I'm stuck here in this inbetween world. Not independent/stable enough to get my own place with my guy, not dependent enough to be satisfied living in my parents house. I'm 18, and in college. I have parents that won't accept my boyfriend of two years even though we're a stable couple and love each other far more than just young love.
My guy, he makes me smile. I told him all of this and he lifted my head up from across his window (I'd snuck up to his window and tapped until he answered) and smiled. "Soon enough love" he told me. "Soon we'll have our own lives where it'll be just us like it was in Hawaii." Tears fell down my face as I quietly said, but I feel like such a loser, nobody ever wants to be friends with me anymore once they find out I don't party. He smiled again making the tears stop, "That's because they aren't as grown up as us. They'd rather spend all the time partying on their parents money than work towards their future like us." To which I responded, but they have all the stories, and all the friends, and he shook his head. "But when they've all flunked out or chosen remedial jobs and are stuck miserable with a horrible pay check and job and overall unsatisfied, we'll be the ones with our dream house and our weekend vacations and all the stories. They'll be stuck behind a desk miserable taking orders while you're before a judge changing someone's life and I'm giving life to a new structure. Then they'll go home miserable to a failed marriage while us and someday our two kids will be exploring Peru and Italy. And then what stories will they have to tell? Nothing more than the past glories of what they did long ago in college, while we will have the stories that one remembers and tells for a life time." This made me smile, he always knows what to say to make me smile and what to do.
Writing it all down helped. I'm only 30% down now. As opposed to my 70% before.
So with a dying laptop battery,
A glitching iphone that no longer realizes it's a phone
and the makings of a smile I shall head to sleep.